Persistence is an Art.

When I was in Germany, I got myself a new tattoo! I had been thinking about it for a while and I wanted to get something in Germany, just like I've been wanting to get a tattoo to represent my trip to Thailand, although I still haven't gotten around to it. I've talked about my tattoos before (you can read about my tree here and my phoenix here) and as you can see, my tattoos all have pretty deep meanings behind them. This latest one does too.

There are so many times when quitting seems like the best option, maybe even the only realistic option. But when you keep going, you realize that if you hold on, and persist just a tiny bit longer, amazing things will happen. There have been quite a few times in the last few years where I wanted to quit, where I was so close from giving up... When school got tough, I almost quit. When running didn't go like I wanted, I wanted to quit. When friendships and relationships get hard, my first instinct is to walk away.

Fresh - you can see how red it is

Anfangen is leicht, beharren eine Kunst. To begin is easy, to persist is art.

All healed!

And now? I'm graduating university in a month, because I didn't quit, I'm running my 4th half marathon in a month, because I didn't give up, I can speak German pretty damn well, because I kept going and the list goes on...
So I got this tattoo (which is a German proverb), in Germany, after the Berlin Half Marathon, as a way of telling myself, "look at all the things you've accomplished because you didn't quit."


**Also - because I know you will ask, the ribs didn't hurt as much as I thought! I found that my forearm hurt way more... Except for the feather, now that was painful!

Wanderlust

Ever since I was little, my family has traveled around a lot. Every 2-3 years, we would take a road trip to the Rocky Mountains, or go to Montreal to see some family. For some reason, I've always loved flying. I like being in airplanes! In 2006, I went on my first big adventure over seas. We went to France! Boy, was that amazing! I was about 12, so I was still young enough to enjoy spending time with my parents, and open enough to try all these new things.
In 2011, I went to Spain with my high school, though unfortunately I lost all the pictures... (Which wasn't all that tragic since they almost all included my ex)
In 2011, my mom finally managed to convince my dad to talk winter vacations in the south, so we headed to Cuba! It was beautiful and warm and we loved it so much we went back the following year!

In 2012, I decided I would go visit some friends in Mexico City. It was my graduation present to myself and my big trip of the year. Many people were worried about me being there, but it was one of the best 2 weeks I've ever had.

This summer, I went to Germany, which was also incredibly amazing! I completely fell in love with the country and I can't wait to go back!

Happy Friday!

Friend

I've always been this sort of solitary girl. I spend almost all my time alone, crippled by the sheer idea of going up to someone and saying hi. I hide behind my books and my writing because it's easy. For me, having friends, especially close ones is really hard. I've had a few very close friends, but I never really tried to make it last. Only once did I really try, and it broke my heart.

When I was younger, I was bullied. I had no friends, and as hard as I tried, it was impossible for me to have friends; being friends with me meant social suicide. When I finally changed schools, I met this boy. Instantly, we became friends. He really was like a brother to me. If people ever asked if we were dating, we'd laugh at the idea, like two siblings would. I was always there for him, through thick and thin. He knew all my secrets, and I knew all of his.
One day, he disappeared. Vanished from my life without as much of a word as goodbye. It completely broke my heart. He'd met a girl and forgot his old friends, including me. Over night, I had lost my first and closest friend, ironically to the girl who had bullied me, though he doesn't know it. I tried confronting him, and I got nothing. No reason why he stopped speaking to me, no reason why we couldn't be friends. I'll admit, I cried. A lot and for a long time. I had lost the one person I always wanted to talk to, to ask for advice, and every time something happened, he was the one I wanted to tell it to. It's been 5 years since we last spoke, and I still wish I could.
I understand that people change, they move on, but it hurts nonetheless. He was the first person I ever truly trusted, and he completely betrayed that already fragile trust. Maybe that's why it hurt so bad. Some might think I was in love with him and never realized it. Whatever the reason may be, it changed me.

For a long time, I became very pessimistic. I didn't want to have friends. Even when I did manage to make friends, I found any excuse to leave. My reasoning was that I would rather leave, knowing it was my fault, than be left, and never knowing why.
Slowly, I got better. Fighting the urge to run away, finding the courage to face my fears. It's still hard to make friends for me. I'm terrified of talking to people. I still want to run away and give up, but I try as hard as I can, kicking myself in the butt to stay and fight for those I love. Friendship is so precious; you never know when you'll find that one friend who will leave a permanent mark, or if they will leave an irreplaceable hole in your life.

Deutschland

May 1st, 2013 was the first day of the Canadian Summer School in Germany (CSSG), one of the greatest adventures I've had yet. This program is based out of the University of Alberta and consists of about 50 students going to Kassel, Germany. There, we live with a host family, we go to school every day in the morning, spend time exploring the city and learn a TON of German. During the 6.5 weeks of the program, we got to travel a little too; we went to Cologne and Berlin, and even a soccer game!

Of the things I miss the most, Kassel was definitely one of them. I miss the city, the hills, the trams and the general ambiance of this smaller city (only 200,000 people). Even though I had school every day, it was still quite relaxing. School ended at 12, then we had the whole day and night to roam with our friends, eat Spaghetti Eis, go to cafés or shop at the mall.

Yes, this is ice cream!

I loved going to a soccer game! It was exhilarating! I had never gone to a sporting event before, other than baseball, but this was a completely different ball game (see what I did there?). Germans are crazy! There were two "hooligan sections," where you were allowed to be drunk, have noise makers and scream. There was even a drum leader and everyone was perfectly in sync with their cheers! Plus, I had a good friend sitting beside me answering all my dumb soccer questions!

Cologne was interesting. We climbed all 550 steps inside the cathedral, shopped until I dropped, went out with part of the group to a wine festival, then off to drink delicious local beer and get lost in the city trying to find a club, then trying to sleep on the bus, covering in shopping bags.

Oh, Berlin. I fell in love with that city. All the monuments, the history, the pieces and scars of the wall, the things to see, the art, the culture, it was incredible! I wandered by myself and got lost for a couple of hours in the city (yes, we are allowed to wander alone-we have cellphones!) and everywhere I turned, there was something else to see. Then, going clubbing with the girls was another adventure! It's not a city like Paris or New York, with a romantic reputation; no, this is a city that you don't see coming. It grows on you and before you know it, you don't want to leave.

I miss Germany. I loved every part of my trip, even if it was hard to be so far away from home sometimes. It was such an amazing experience that I will always be grateful to have had.

Bis bald Deutschland!

Tattoo (Part Two: The Phoenix)

The story behind my phoenix tattoo isn't one I tell often. When I do talk about it, I give the short version, the one people ask for. There is so much more to this story than meets the eye. Today, I share that story.

Fresh tattoo!

The phoenix is my favourite mythical creature. I always loved the idea of an immortal creature who could die and live again. According to legend, this bird would burst into flames when it got too old, then would be reborn from its ashes.

What I always tell people when they ask what it means is this: "It's a reminder than things have to get worst before they get better. Just like a phoenix has to burst into flames before it can live again." This usually satisfies the curious. But here's the real story.

When I was younger, I was bullied a lot. I hit rock bottom when I was 10 years old. I came home crying almost every day, I hated everything; myself, my life, everyone. The kids in my class were ruthless and cruel. They would insult me, make up rumours, laugh at me, use me as a last resort, only talk to me when no one else would talk to them, I was kicked and shoved around and they even made a petition to get me kicked out of school. The few friends I did have were only there for me when no one was looking. No matter how many times my parents spoke with the principal and counsellors, the bullying never stopped.

I was 10 years old, and I wanted to die. I had it all planned out, it just needed to get bad enough for me to do it. One day, I was so tired of the crap kids gave me, that I went up to one of my bullies and told him that he could kick me, insult me, and do whatever he wanted. I didn't care anymore. Another kid went to get a teacher and something finally happened. She told me that when she was younger, she was bullied too and when she changed schools, everything changed. She said I should do that too, and I did. It was the only thing I could think of. I had been in therapy for most of that year, the school didn't do anything and the bullies would never stop. So I changed schools.

Healed: One year later

Everything did change. Except one thing. The bullies never stopped. They went after my sister once I left. Thankfully, it stopped a few months later, but it broke my heart. I felt like it was my fault. But things eventually got better for the both of us, and the bullying stopped altogether.

Now, almost 10 years later, I've made my peace with it. It may still haunt me sometimes because wounds like that never truly heal. Now, life is good and I am happy. My phoenix is a constant reminder that life is a challenge, that although I have lived through something horrible, I was strong enough to get through it and become a better person because of it.

Grad 2012

I feel like going down memory lane today. Last year I graduated high school and one of my best memories was grad.

Being who I am, I had thought to myself: I'm not going to spend a lot on my dress, I'll just get something nice and be done with it. I ended up starting to look online in September! That's 10 months ahead! I know I'm really punctual and all, but that surprised us all. My mom and I found the perfect dress in November and got it before anyone else could. I found my shoes, my earrings and everything I needed right away and I was ready to go! 6 months before the day.

My date was my very close friend JD. I had known him for over 4 years at that point and he was the best date anyone could ask for! He followed me around all day while we took pictures, never complaint about the heat or his poor feet, and everything else I needed (demanded).

We went around town to take pictures with my friends Gen and her date, as well as PJ and his date. All of us together, followed by my dad, our photographer. We must have spent at least 3 hours taking pictures. I got a sunburn so bad I looked like a lobster, but it was all worth it! We were all excited and running around goofing off. Just the photography part had some great memories, let alone the actually dinner and dance!

I can't really say I miss high school (I really, really don't), but those memories will always make me smile.