When the Thieves Strike

Theft is something we never expect will happen to us. We always expect it to happen to others, or we think that we're safe because it's in our house, or you just wouldn't imagine why in the world someone would steal from you....
Until it happens to you.
And then you still wonder why the hell did they pick me, of all people?

After living in a hostel for over two weeks, the majority of that week with only one other person, who was also looking for an apartment, three guys checked into our room. We were slightly annoyed for not having the whole room to ourselves like we had gotten used to, but also because those guys smelled like a dirty gym bag (this is really not an exaggeration) and had basically flooded the bathroom after their showers at midnight. We all went to bed and the next day, the both of us went to work as usual.

Broken lock from the inside

When we came back, my "roommate's" locker had been broken into, my things had very clearly been rummaged through and we noticed right away, some of our things were missing. I was panicking. My brand new polaroid camera, my GoPro, all my charging cables, my external harddrive with all my work (school, films, writing, everything), my running shoes and my backpack were gone. They took his iPad, his sweater and t-shirt as well.

While we waited for the police to come, I was repeating "I want to go home." "I give up." "I want to go home." "When is the next flight home?" over and over in my head, trying to fight back the tears and anxiety. I couldn't believe that someone would do something like that in a hostel, a place where the majority, if not all are backpackers, who trust each other, who believe that it's safe. I couldn't believe they literally broke the locker and stole our things.

It's a blessing I had my passport and money with me that day... Otherwise I'm sure that would have been gone too.

When the police came, they took pictures of the broken locker, and took pictures of mine, which they had tried to break into but failed (thank god, otherwise my laptop would have been gone too) and wrote down as much information as they could. All that was left for us to do was go to sleep and hope they catch them. The hostel had photocopies of the thieves' passports, and alerted all the hostels in the city in case they decided to try their luck somewhere else

I'm not expecting the police to get my stuff back. It has probably already been re-sold (though I have been obsessively scouring craigslist and ebay), but I do hope they'll catch them and maybe spare another poor traveller.

The worst part of all this? They took my running shoes. I can live without the technology, it sucks, but I'll survive. But my running shoes? That's a stab directly in the heart. I'm running a half-marathon in less than 2 months and it's not really something you can do without proper shoes. Running is all I have when I'm stressed or upset, and they took that away from me. With the exchange rate, the same pair of shoes cost over double what they would cost in Canada, and it's not exactly like I can afford to buy a new pair...

After talking on the phone with my mom, we figured out that she could send me my old pair, which isn't all that old anyway, so I could at least run the half marathon in a decent pair of shoes, and then figure out the rest later, while a friend of mine calmed me down and convinced me not to give up and stay in Berlin.

In the end, I'm pretty lucky. I still have my passport, which really is the most valuable thing I own right now, I wasn't hurt and I have amazing people around me to support me no matter what happens.

Berlin may have kicked my ass once again, but I'm going to fight back and not let it defeat me. I am stronger than that.


PS: I did the whole thing, going to the precinct, talking to the police, etc. in German, so clearly, my language skills are pretty darn good. :)

What February has Taught Me

I was inspired by Chelsea's post and decided to write my own version of what February has taught me. It has been a crazy month full of adventure, lots of mishaps, stress, happiness and wonder. On February 7th, I finally arrived in Berlin, my new home for the next year, and perhaps even longer. I have never lived in a different country or even had to find a place to live before, so this last month was full of firsts. This past month, I have learned so much...

Finding an apartment is much harder than I thought. In Winnipeg, there's almost always an affordable apartment available for rent. In Berlin? You blink and it will be gone. You can send hundreds of messages in a day and only receive 5 answers, most of which end up being very disappointing.

Being a foreigner is more complicated than I thought. I have never had to deal with visas, paperwork or bureaucracy before, and it's frustrating as all hell, but there's not much we can do. It's worth it in the end, isn't it?

Sometimes being a tourist can be quite calming. I'm sure most people living in Berlin would disagree, seeing as they all avoid those areas like the plague, but having been here twice before and only visiting the tourist areas, going back felt so familiar. It made me feel like I actually know where I am and what I'm doing. Especially when I end up helping some poor lost Dublin girls on the subway!

All it takes is a run. This is something I already knew, but it was most definitely confirmed while being here this last month. Sometimes, all you need is a solid run to get rid of the stress.

I am much stronger than I thought. I have had quite a bit of bad luck lately, and many times I have wanted to give up and come home. There has definitely been a few times where I have asked my parents to bring me home. But I'm still here, and things are starting to fall into place.

Be grateful for every person you meet. You never know what will happen; this person may save your life, teach you some valuable life lessons or become your anchor, or maybe just be someone you can go to the bar with. Either way, never underestimate meeting new people.

Always take time to have fun, even if you think you don't have time.

Berlin is an amazing city so full of potential and I can't wait to see what other lessons it will teach me.

The World of Dating

I've been dating since I was 14. I definitely just shuddered at the thought of that, so don't worry if you did too. Fourteen is young, maybe too young. That also means that at the age of 21, I've been in the dating game for about 7 years. It may not be a lot compared to people in their thirties, but to me, it feels like so much longer than that. I have definitely learned a few things in those seven years.

The world of dating isn't what it used to be, anyone can see that. Nowadays, no one really "dates" or are "in a relationship." People are "friends with benefits" or "seeing each other" or even doing the "Netflix and chill" because it's easier; there's an escape route clearly marked. If you don't label it, you technically don't have a commitment, and therefore could leave anytime you want. More and more people just want flings and one-night-stands. We want to be the best in our career field, we want to travel, we want to experiment, start a band, etc. Most of the time, that means being to busy or not wanting to settle down. I don't know many people in their early twenties who are ready to get married and have kids, even if that's what we all dream and talk about.

The thing is, with the Internet, the world has gotten a hell of a lot smaller. You can meet people around the world instantly, you can even find people who are nearby with the click of a button (or a touch of a screen). The only place that doesn't seem to have caught up with this technology is Hollywood. Hollywood keeps on showing us that Prince Charming is just around the corner, not on the other side of a screen. It's still teaching us that the perfect guy is out there, and of course, that's something we should always hope for.

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Nowadays, though, there are a lot of "the One"s. I'm sure I could find a "the One" in every country. The problem is that my generation and even the one of my parents' believe that everything is temporary and disposable. "The button on my shirt fell off... better throw it in the garbage!" is the same as "He didn't throw out the trash one too many times and I just decided that I couldn't live with him anymore!"

We have this idea that nothing lasts, so of course no one wants to commit. We see our friends get cheated on, lied to, heart-broken or have been there ourselves, so why would we go through that again? Why commit to someone when you know that there's a solid 90% it won't last, even if you do end up getting married? And everyone knows divorces are messy, so why bother?

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I've been on tons of first dates. Most of them generated by trying online dating (never again....), but I could tell that we are all so jaded. Guys think that girls are always playing games and have an agenda to watch them fail, that every word out of our mouth is some sort of ploy to start a fight, that in the end, we are all psycho bitches that need big romantic gestures like in The Notebook. Girls think that guys only compliment them to get in their pants, that if they buy us a drink, we have to put out, that they will tell us anything just so they can get laid, that they are never going to even try to understand, that they only care about cars and football and we're only good for cooking and looking pretty.

No wonder we don't commit. We are terrified of each other, we are terrified of getting hurt, or the mess a breakup or a divorce leaves behind, we are terrified of missing out on life or even on finding the real "the One" if we settle too quickly.  In the meantime, we keep on keepin' on, dating, one-night-stand-ing, Netflix-and-chilling, trying to get one another to commit, all the while trying to fulfil our dreams before we finally settle down to what may hopefully be a "happily ever after."

Lola

Almost two years ago, we adopted a new cat, Lola at the Humane Society. She was adorable! Always running around, chasing the other cats, always cuddling with us and hiding her face when we tried to hold her. She was always a fierce little kitten, brave, and a little too curious. She was the kind of cat who could catch a bird, while on a leash, who would race down the stairs and almost trip on her way down.  She was the kind of kitten who would literally claw food out of the bowls of other cats so she could have more food, or try to climb the door to get in the house at supper time.

Friday night, we said goodbye to her.

Unlike our two other cats, she never quite understood boundaries or danger. She never understood how to cross the road safely. They are all outdoor cats, but she hadn't learned all that stuff yet. She loved to explore and run across the street to discover new things. Friday night, the curiosity got the best of her. It was raining, it was dark, and she had decided to cross the street. Just like a deer in the headlights, she froze when a car came into view and it hit her. At least that's what I assume happened.

She was two years old.

I have been having a much harder time dealing with her death than I would have expected. I have lost family members and pets before... but it's different this time. I was too young to understand the death of a pet when the last one passed away, and they were very old, so it was expected. This caught us all totally by surprise. One minute she is sitting by the window, cuddling the other cat, and the next, she's just gone.

What bothers me the most is imagining this driver, who undoubtedly heard of felt a "thunk"  or even a shriek and just shrugged and kept going like it was nothing. It's like we think that as drivers or humans, we are above everything and everyone else. We don't have any respect for other living beings. I bet that driver didn't even check to see what they hit.
Thankfully, a woman saw this and brought Lola to the side of the road so she wouldn't get hit even more, giving this poor creature a tiny shred of dignity. She then told our neighbour about what she saw and he came to tell us.

Our two other cats are now roaming the house, confused, trying to find Lola. Even her bowl has disappeared. I wonder if they know, if they understand what happened. I just hope it was quick and painless. I hope she's happy, looking down on the other two, wishing she could play with them.

Why I WILL Vote

**Disclaimer: These opinions are entirely my own and are by no means meant to discourage anyone to follow what they believe in. Politics is a touchy subject and I apologize if anyone gets offended as I have tried not to do so.**

Last year, Winnipeg had municipal elections and I wrote a post about why I don't vote. This year, Canada is having federal elections, which means we will be voting for our prime minister AND for the member of parliament who will represent the area of the city in which we live.  This year, I WILL vote.

Last time, I talked about how much I hate politics, that I try to stay away from political conversations and didn't even try to find out when the elections were.
This year, I have been paying a lot closer attention. I still hate politics, but I couldn't help but get curious. Mostly because my coworkers and family are so invested that I started listening to what they were saying, but also because it's a federal election and change needs to happen. There are four parties running and three of them (in my opinion) that have really great plans for Canada and it's a really tough decision to figure out who to vote for, but it's an important choice and I am proud to say that I have been doing my part to make my decision.


I don't believe that our current prime minister has been doing a good job whatsoever:
-He has ruined our economy for his political campaigns
-He has ruined Canada's reputation as Peacekeepers (we went from #1 to #62)
-He does not care about women's rights or equality
-He has openly said that the missing and murdered aboriginal women are not a concern (and d-ue to their lack of jobs)
-He has no plans to help with the global warming problems (and will actually harm it with this oil plans)
-He has created or brought back some very racist laws, one of which actually classifies citizens into two tiers - the "pure-breds" and the "foreigners/immigrants" (C-24) and there's bill C-51, the ant-terrorist act, which violates some of our human rights
-He also believes in the growth of the big companies and making money more than the individuals and the needs of families
-He has also decided to have the election campaign twice as long as the regular 40 days that the candidates normally have, which means these elections have been insufferably long

(Please take note that I have paraphrased these points and that when I say "he," I also mean the Conservative Party of Canada, as the blame can't necessarily be placed on a single individual.)

Those are just a few of the reasons why I don't think our current leader is a good fit for Canada. I have been keeping track with the election news, discussing it at lengths with friends and family and am entirely convinced that this year, of all years, voting matters. I am by no means trying to tell you who to vote for, and will not say who I will vote for, but change needs to happen one way or another, and I now believe that voting is important. Even if you don't vote, you are technically still voting. You give your vote to another person, who you may not even agree with! 

On Monday, October 19th, 2015, I will vote. Will you?

"You weren't being over sensitive. He was being over asshole."

Girls, I have a problem and I believe this needs to be discussed a lot more.

We are constantly told that we, us girls, are always being over sensitive, that we're always making a big deal out of nothing and to "just calm down". I have a problem with this, because this isn't always the truth. Yes, we all have our moments (often because of PMS) where we go a little crazy and cry for no reason, but the majority of the time, we have every right to be "over sensitive."

Doesn't she just have the best quotes sometimes?
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If your boyfriend cheated on you and you want to rip his head off, are you being over sensitive?

If your boyfriend has been ignoring you for the last few days and you're upset, are you being over sensitive?

If someone (friend or otherwise) has stood you up and you're angry, are you being over sensitive?

If someone insults you by accident (or on purpose) and it bothers you, are you being over sensitive?

If you watch The Notebook and wish you had a romance like that or even cried a little, are you being over sensitive?

NO.

You're just being a human being. Boys get "over sensitive" too, but we just say they're full of testosterone. How is that any different from us? We're human. We have feelings and we express them. It's what makes us who we are.

Yes, girls usually express their feelings more than guys, but that doesn't make us over sensitive. Sometimes he was just being over asshole.

Yet we take the blame.

We care. So what? Is it so wrong that we show that we care? I think the world would be a lot sadder if we all stopped showing others that we care about them, don't you think?

Girls, stop letting people tell you you're over sensitive. You have every right to be hurt, or happy, or pissed off when someone does something wrong to you. They were just being over asshole.

Admitting Defeat.

I admit.
I've been defeated.

I'm an incredibly ambitious person. I always try to take on way too much.
After an intense panic attack, where I was very nauseous, dizzy and could barely breathe, I thought that maybe I was in over my head. I talked to my friend Andrew about this, and he came to the same conclusion.

Let me explain.
I've been trying to have a full course-load (which means 5 2-3rd year classes), which means a lot of homework (and being at school for 12 hours straight on Wednesdays),
I've been trying to work part-time and save up for Thailand,
I've been trying to edit my book, write my new one AND critique two more,
I've been trying to read books for fun,
I've been trying to keep a healthy relationship with Alex,
I've been trying to get enough sleep (which never happens),
I've been trying to train for a half marathon,
And I've been trying to keep up with my blog.

I don't know about you, but that's a LOT of stuff to try and manage in a mere seven days a week, while still getting enough sleep to stay alive.
So, today I spoke to my prof, and told her I would be dropping one of her classes, I returned my textbook and made my way home with a heavy heart. I also made the decision to slow down on my blog, put my writing on the back burner, and try to concentrate on school.

I hate admitting that I couldn't do it. I couldn't accomplish all the things I wanted to and it kills me that I had to drop a class, especially one that I really liked. I hate that I have to keep my creativity down in order to succeed in school, especially that I'm so inspired by this new book. I hate that I have to slow down on my blog, because I love blogging so much!

But, I need to stay sane (and alive) and in order to be able to accomplish anything, I need to be healthy and not-so-stressed out. I know it was the right decision, and in the end, I'll accomplish more by doing less.

Maybe that should've been a resolution: try and slow down with the ambitions....

Friendship is a Struggle.

Friendship.
It's something I never really was able to come to terms with, and something I still struggle with every day.
For years, I was bullied, and as a child, friendship was something I didn't experience. I hated everyone around me who had friends, everyone who was happy. Finally, I changed school and things got better. Of course, everybody wanted to be friends with the new girl. That lasted a month, then slowly, I stayed friends with those who really cared.
That didn't last long.
Every time I get close to someone; become their best friend, it's an amazing friendship. We become inseparable. Then? They leave. No goodbyes or explanations. They just leave.
So, for a while, I pushed everyone away. I found any possible excuse not to be friends with them, not to be around them. I really mean, any excuse; "they hang out with so and so," "I don't like their siblings," "they talk funny," "they have too much energy sometimes," etc. Why not leave them before they leave me?

What's wrong with me?
Why does everyone keep leaving?
Why are my only lasting friendships with people online? People I can't be around?
I give them everything I have. I'm always there for them. It breaks my heart every. single. time. I try so hard, and get nothing in return. People just forget about me. I'm that person in the yearbook that no one remembers.

I'm the friend who helped "her" go to the women's clinic when she got pregnant, or was there for "her" when she was raped, or got "her" help when she cut herself, or even listen when "his" parents went through a divorce.
My thank you note? Silence.

I watch everyone around me get invited to go out all the time, who have friends who love being around them, while I sit here in front of my computer, alone, uninvited, forgotten.

Am I supposed to stop trying?

Doubt.

I've been doubting myself lately. I look around and I see everyone doing things and they are always so much better than I will ever be able to do.

When I see the work other people in my film class, I doubt myself. Their work is so good, and mine is just alright. Maybe it's just not for me.

When I read other people's book or manuscripts, I doubt myself. What if my story will never be as good? Maybe it won't work out for me.

When I read other blogs, I doubt myself. I highly doubt my blog is as good as theirs, or that's it's even the slightest bit interesting. Maybe it's not my thing.

When I get 50% in my favourite class, I doubt myself. I think that maybe it's not for me, maybe I should quit.

All I can think of is going back to bed and letting the world pass by, letting the storm calm before I go back outside.

I will not give up. I will not let my doubt pull me down. It's okay to doubt. I will come out of this doubt stronger, and more sure of myself than I am now.
Giving up is not an option. I will be okay.

90 to 50

I am completely discouraged. German used to be my best a favourite subject, and now I'm almost failing... Last year and this summer, I had a 90-95% average, and I barely needed to study. About a month ago I had my first test of the year and I got 50%. I just got my grade back from last week's test, and I got 68%, which I guess is better, but not nearly good enough.

I'm just.... tired. I studied for hours for those tests. Hours. What happened? How can I crash so hard? It just makes me want to rethink everything. It makes me feel completely and utterly stupid, and it makes me want to quit. Maybe it's because I'm exhausted, sick and upset, but I've been working so hard for the past month to get my grades up and it doesn't seem like it's worth it anymore.

This class only has three tests and a final exam and there's no such thing as make-up tests in university. I have no idea how I could possibly bring my grade up to something decent by the end of the semester.
I don't know what it is, but it seems like this year is not going as planned... None of my grades or classes are anywhere near what I was hoping and I still can't seem to get into the groove of studying.

Anyway, that was my sad little post for today... Maybe this will cheer me up.

Image Source

Friend

I've always been this sort of solitary girl. I spend almost all my time alone, crippled by the sheer idea of going up to someone and saying hi. I hide behind my books and my writing because it's easy. For me, having friends, especially close ones is really hard. I've had a few very close friends, but I never really tried to make it last. Only once did I really try, and it broke my heart.

When I was younger, I was bullied. I had no friends, and as hard as I tried, it was impossible for me to have friends; being friends with me meant social suicide. When I finally changed schools, I met this boy. Instantly, we became friends. He really was like a brother to me. If people ever asked if we were dating, we'd laugh at the idea, like two siblings would. I was always there for him, through thick and thin. He knew all my secrets, and I knew all of his.
One day, he disappeared. Vanished from my life without as much of a word as goodbye. It completely broke my heart. He'd met a girl and forgot his old friends, including me. Over night, I had lost my first and closest friend, ironically to the girl who had bullied me, though he doesn't know it. I tried confronting him, and I got nothing. No reason why he stopped speaking to me, no reason why we couldn't be friends. I'll admit, I cried. A lot and for a long time. I had lost the one person I always wanted to talk to, to ask for advice, and every time something happened, he was the one I wanted to tell it to. It's been 5 years since we last spoke, and I still wish I could.
I understand that people change, they move on, but it hurts nonetheless. He was the first person I ever truly trusted, and he completely betrayed that already fragile trust. Maybe that's why it hurt so bad. Some might think I was in love with him and never realized it. Whatever the reason may be, it changed me.

For a long time, I became very pessimistic. I didn't want to have friends. Even when I did manage to make friends, I found any excuse to leave. My reasoning was that I would rather leave, knowing it was my fault, than be left, and never knowing why.
Slowly, I got better. Fighting the urge to run away, finding the courage to face my fears. It's still hard to make friends for me. I'm terrified of talking to people. I still want to run away and give up, but I try as hard as I can, kicking myself in the butt to stay and fight for those I love. Friendship is so precious; you never know when you'll find that one friend who will leave a permanent mark, or if they will leave an irreplaceable hole in your life.

The Big Words.

My filmmaking class sometimes seems more like a morality/psychology class... We often talk about things that affect us human beings. That's what we do as filmmakers and storytellers; we talk about the human condition. One thing that can always spike up a conversation, as my prof explained, are what she calls "the big words." They are words that have a powerful meaning, that are often associated with the terrible things that happen to us, like war and slaughter, but also the good things, like hope and faith. Things that can make any one of us start a heated argument.

An example would be the word justice: she asked us who was for or against the death penalty. Without started an argument, of course.

Here's the list we came up with in class:

-Seven deadly sins (Greed, gluttony, lust, sloth, vanity, envy, pride)
-Rage                     -Martyrs                    -Will                       -Duty
-Sacrifice                -Patriotism                -Redemption          -Valour
-Glory                    -Loyalty                    -Joy                        -Doubt
-Fraternity              -Courage                   -Grace                    -Equality
-Justice                   -Hope                       -Prudence               -Obedience
-Denial                  -Faith                         -Hypocrisy             -Forgiveness
-Jealousy               -Liberty                      -Honor

All of these can make for great subtext in a movie, or any story. My prof has over 80 of these words. Some of these, you can relate to right away, others you need to think about.

What are some of your big words?

Tattoo (Part Two: The Phoenix)

The story behind my phoenix tattoo isn't one I tell often. When I do talk about it, I give the short version, the one people ask for. There is so much more to this story than meets the eye. Today, I share that story.

Fresh tattoo!

The phoenix is my favourite mythical creature. I always loved the idea of an immortal creature who could die and live again. According to legend, this bird would burst into flames when it got too old, then would be reborn from its ashes.

What I always tell people when they ask what it means is this: "It's a reminder than things have to get worst before they get better. Just like a phoenix has to burst into flames before it can live again." This usually satisfies the curious. But here's the real story.

When I was younger, I was bullied a lot. I hit rock bottom when I was 10 years old. I came home crying almost every day, I hated everything; myself, my life, everyone. The kids in my class were ruthless and cruel. They would insult me, make up rumours, laugh at me, use me as a last resort, only talk to me when no one else would talk to them, I was kicked and shoved around and they even made a petition to get me kicked out of school. The few friends I did have were only there for me when no one was looking. No matter how many times my parents spoke with the principal and counsellors, the bullying never stopped.

I was 10 years old, and I wanted to die. I had it all planned out, it just needed to get bad enough for me to do it. One day, I was so tired of the crap kids gave me, that I went up to one of my bullies and told him that he could kick me, insult me, and do whatever he wanted. I didn't care anymore. Another kid went to get a teacher and something finally happened. She told me that when she was younger, she was bullied too and when she changed schools, everything changed. She said I should do that too, and I did. It was the only thing I could think of. I had been in therapy for most of that year, the school didn't do anything and the bullies would never stop. So I changed schools.

Healed: One year later

Everything did change. Except one thing. The bullies never stopped. They went after my sister once I left. Thankfully, it stopped a few months later, but it broke my heart. I felt like it was my fault. But things eventually got better for the both of us, and the bullying stopped altogether.

Now, almost 10 years later, I've made my peace with it. It may still haunt me sometimes because wounds like that never truly heal. Now, life is good and I am happy. My phoenix is a constant reminder that life is a challenge, that although I have lived through something horrible, I was strong enough to get through it and become a better person because of it.