Sunday, December 29, 2013

Friendship is a Struggle.


Friendship.
It's something I never really was able to come to terms with, and something I still struggle with every day.
For years, I was bullied, and as a child, friendship was something I didn't experience. I hated everyone around me who had friends, everyone who was happy. Finally, I changed school and things got better. Of course, everybody wanted to be friends with the new girl. That lasted a month, then slowly, I stayed friends with those who really cared.
That didn't last long.
Every time I get close to someone; become their best friend, it's an amazing friendship. We become inseparable. Then? They leave. No goodbyes or explanations. They just leave.
So, for a while, I pushed everyone away. I found any possible excuse not to be friends with them, not to be around them. I really mean, any excuse; "they hang out with so and so," "I don't like their siblings," "they talk funny," "they have too much energy sometimes," etc. Why not leave them before they leave me?

What's wrong with me?
Why does everyone keep leaving?
Why are my only lasting friendships with people online? People I can't be around?
I give them everything I have. I'm always there for them. It breaks my heart every. single. time. I try so hard, and get nothing in return. People just forget about me. I'm that person in the yearbook that no one remembers.

I'm the friend who helped "her" go to the women's clinic when she got pregnant, or was there for "her" when she was raped, or got "her" help when she cut herself, or even listen when "his" parents went through a divorce.
My thank you note? Silence.

I watch everyone around me get invited to go out all the time, who have friends who love being around them, while I sit here in front of my computer, alone, uninvited, forgotten.

Am I supposed to stop trying?

4 comments :

  1. No... hmm, this is a hard one. One thing to remember is people need space... maybe they back off because they don't feel like they have enough? I know I have done that before... it's terrible, but it's true. Friends have a way of working themselves into your lives when you least expect it. It will all work out! :)

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  2. I hope so! It's hard to know how much space a person needs or if you give them to much space..

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  3. that's a good point. for me, if i have someone who is texting or calling me daily... it's too much. but i'm in a relationship, so i suppose that's why i don't have a lot of extra free time. i think you should feel it out... if you know they're not up to anything, see if they'd like to do something. if they seem a little stand-off-ish, then maybe that's the time to back down a little.

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  4. That's true. Thank you for your advice. :)

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